How it feels...

So I got this video off of my friend Emily and I'm going to post it also. I'm not doing this because I want people to take pity on me. Its just that this video completely sums up what infertility feels like to those of us struggling with it. I wasn't sure if if was going to hold off and posting this until after I found out the results of our last treatment but I decided that I should share how it feels to go through this. A lot of times we put up a good front for people so they don't really see how much it hurts. I know that someday soon we will get our baby but we will never forget what we went through to have it! Oh and Mom don't cry because I know you probably will.
Empty Arms

I'm offically in...

the tww(two week wait). We are so very excited to have our first real attempted at this baby making thing. Monday morning we went in for our first IUI. My ultrasound showed I hadn't ovulated yet(which was good) because that allowed us to have back to back IUI's. Luke, the macho man that he is supplied us with a well above average count. 146million swimmers and this was even after washing out all the bad ones and what ever else makes up the rest of it. It was over in like 2 seconds, insert the speculum and syringe the swimmers in. I had to lay down for 10mins and off to work i went. I was still not convinced that my body was actually going to ovulate on its own but they continued to reassure me it was. They said your LH was 46 most people come in with an LH of 15, you going to ovulate! I suppose i have the believe them, their the experts.

So Today we went in bright and early for IUI #2. I didn't get an ultrasound because they said i didn't need one because they were sure i had ovulated. I still can't believe that my body did it on its own, without the shot but I am still trying to trust them. Luke provided us with 18.8million this morning. They assured us its normal for the count to drop on day 2, he felt bad but it still was an awesome count. We reassured him, he is still above average. Tomorrow i start my progesterone suppositories and I go in Friday morning to check my P4(progesterone) level to make sure my body is absorbing enough and then on 11/10 I go in for my beta. I know I'm going to totally cave and test the day before, I'd rather be let down at home and be told by the nurse. I definitely am not getting my hopes up, i know all to well that this doesn't work more than it does, I'm just happy to have finally got the chance at it.

Thanks for all the well wishes and I hope I get to share some good news soon!

Weekend Update...

So I've spent every morning this weekend at the Dr's. Saturday we were a little concerned again because a bunch of follicles had started growing at the same rate. I think we were looking at about 10 follicles that were potentially big enough to ovulate. My E2 level had doubled to 868 and my biggest follicles were at 13.5mm. So I was upset and thinking that once again my cycle was going to be cancelled.

So this morning I went in and my biggest were 15.5mm. I had one in each ovary and i had a 14mm, some 13.5's and some 12,11 and 10's. Today there is a potential of 7 follicles getting mature enough. When i was leaving the nurse was asking me if i had my trigger shot and it Luke had a cup to "deposit" in. That left a little curious and she said we will see you tomorrow one way or another. I took that to me either for a normal check or possible the IUI. Well about an hour later i got a call saying my E2 was at 1086 and my LH was at 46 meaning I am actually starting to ovulate on my own rather than using a trigger shot. Which is crazy because i thought my reproductive organs hated me and could do nothing on their own. SO...tomorrow morning is IUI day. I"m so so excited and a little nervous. More so due to the fact that I'm not allowed to take the trigger shot. I feel like i need it in order to ovulate but I trust my Dr knows what he is doing. And due to the fact that i am having weird little crampy twinges around my ovaries, i guess i really am ovulating on my own. Tomorrow we have to sign a waiver that we understand that the risk of multiples is very high for us. That makes me laugh but also makes me quite nervous. We do not want to be the next Jon and Kate.

9:00am tomorrow morning, wish us luck!!

CD 13...

Well let me start off by saying, I have been to the Dr every morning this week except Tuesday. If it was summer and I was wearing short sleeves, people might assume I was a heroine junkie. I think I have what would be considered "track marks". My problem has been my stupid polycystic ovaries. I have tons of follicles that are growing instead of a couple just growing. I think the last time i blogged my E2 level was at 65, from there is went to 194 and then to 300 something. They say one mature follicle should produced around 150, so in my case instead of my high number being from a few big follicles its coming from a lot medium sized follicles. I like to say I'm suffering from the Jon and Kate + 8 syndrome. The last couple days my biggest follicles have been a 9 with some 8's and 7's and tons smaller. My fear has been that this cycle is going to be cancelled if a few of these don't take off soon.

So today i once again was in for my blood test and "vag cam" appointment. While I was getting my blood drawn Dr F walked in and said "Theres my tricky little patient". So I ask him what would be the final straw to make him cancel this cycle. He said if my E2 level keeps going up and a few follicles don't take off to dominate he would cancel. I then asked if it was possible to convert an IUI cycle to IVF. He said sometimes yes, so if this cycle fails I'm pretty sure we will convert to IVF. He also said he would apply what we've already paid to the IVF cycle(have i mentioned how much i love him). They would just pumped up my meds and get all these little follicles to grow like mad.

So then i go in to get my ultrasound and the tech tells me how perfect my lining is right now. For pregnancy it needs to be 7mm and above and I'm at a 9.5, thankfully something is going my way. Then we find 2 of my follicles have jumped from a 9mm to 11mm overnight yea!!! I still have some 9's and 8's and of course smaller but I'm so happy in just 24hrs 2 have made the jump to become dominate. I'm still waiting for my phone call to make sure all is still good so I'll be back on later to update!

Ok just got the call...E2 is 468 and I'm still injecting tonight and going in tomorrow morning. Dr seems happy I've had growth so this cycle is still on for now!!

CD 9

Today I had another Ultrasound appt. Not to much going on yet. My biggest follicle was 7.8mm, we still have a ways to go yet. Dr F upped my dose from 75 to 112.5 so we should start seeing some action really soon. My E2 levels went from 39 to 65 so little by little we are getting there. More to come on Friday...

CD6 Follie check...

As i suspected there has been no follicle growth since Tuesday. I was on such a low dose of my meds that this doesn't surprise me. My E2 level was only 39 and that's pretty low. So for the next 3 nights Dr F is upping my dose to 75iu's. I have so so many follicles in my ovaries right now that he is just being cautious and taking it slow. We don't want all of those to mature and the cycle to be cancelled so I'm OK with taking it slow and it taking just a little longer. I still suspect my dose will need to be increased even more before we see some action. Next appt is on Monday, I'll update then.

Its Time...

Well 4months of waiting is finally over, god that took forever! Today i had my CD3(cycle day) ultrasound. Everything looked good, as usually my ovaries are filled with many many tiny follicles. That's what polycystic ovaries are, tons of follicles that never mature. Dr F was pleased to have so much to work with but a bit cautious. We don't want all 20 of them to mature, that would be craziness. He is starting me out on the lowest dose of my Gonal-F for the next 3 nights,37.5IU's(individual units) Last cycles i started at 75iu's so i really don't expect to see much growth by my next appt on Friday but i understand his need to start slow. I completely trust he knows what he is doing. So in about 45mins i get to give myself the most satisfying jab in the belly! Isn't that completely crazy how excited and anxious i am to give myself a shot? Anyway more updates Friday!

Cautiously Optimistic...

We had another appointment with my favorite baby making Dr today. I absolutely love him, hes amazing. It was our injection lesson and IUI(otherwise know as the "turkey baster" for you fertile folks)consult. Since I have already done the injections before this little lesson was pointless and cost $50. This whole baby making business is insanely expensive. Why can't i get it free like everyone else. Why i can't i go out and get wasted have crazy random sex and end up knocked up, its soo unfair! Just joking Luke i would never go out and do that, even if i was fertile!

So I'm still on my estrogen therapy which is causing me to break out in clusters of zits on my face. Its awesome, its makes me feel so pretty. I am also now using my progesterone suppositories which surprisingly aren't bad at all. I would do those any day, rather then having to supposit things in the other area(i.e. my enema). If all goes according to plan i should start stimulating in about 2.5weeks. Everyday i open my fridge i see my Gonal-F pen calling my name, is it crazy to be so excited about injecting myself in the belly everyday??? I am and i can't help it! So I'm thinking somewhere around Oct 25thish we should be BASTING!!! I tell myself everyday not to get excited about this. I know all to well that this is more likely not to work then to actually work. I also know every other time in the past i have gotten excited it has only led to awful disappointment and crazy hurt from every part of me. But I'm allowed to be excited right? I'm allowed to be "Cautiously Optimistic!"